Doug Van Pelt

Demetri Martin

Oh my ... this guy is awesome!
After a long bike ride today, I came up to my mailbox and found an express package left by a courrier (I won't say which one...wouldn't want him to get in trouble for helping me out), and there was a DVD from Comedy Central. Demetri Martin. Person.

This was filmed at the illustrious Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas. I put it on while working on layout today. This guy is hilarious! There's some profanity here and there, so I don't recommend this one for the youth group or with Grandma in the room, but it's just mild. The guy is spot on hilarious -- with his drawing and master-of-the-obvious statements about life.

It would scare the living poop out of me...

If someone had lots of resources and wanted to punk/surprise me with a great gag, they would simply arrange for the actor Robert Knepper to show up unannounced at the HM Ranch office door as the character of T-Bag.

Yikes! That would send shivers down my spine.

Meanwhile, I just got the new issue of HM up on the website (sans the album covers for the reviews); and I had a nice dinner of leftovers and now I'm trying to get the latest issue of Heaven's Metal Fanzine done.

Soul Cravings.15

Where Do I Belong?
McManus adroitly brings up our need for belonging by pointing out how our fashion trends have mirrored how we're thinking -- the labels of our clothes have moved from the inside to the outside. Izod, Penguin, Tommy Hilfiger, the list goes on. These brands and logos have found themselves on the outside of the clothes. That is funny to think about. We spend money not just to look good, but to fit in and join the crowd that wears x-brand.

One shirt company that advertised in our latest issue's "special advertorial section" pointed out how they've stopped branding their clothes. Each cool new design doesn't feature a logo/brand of their company any more. It just features cool art. They've weighed the benefits of brand recognition against the aesthetic of a nice work of art and found the art/design is more important. That's cool.

McManus talked about trying to fit into the cliques and groups in high school. He didn't see much future in dropping acid, so he decided against the freaks. He needed a higher GPA than a "D," so the geeks were out. Since his brother was the star quarterback, he didn't want to join the jocks (and be in the same group his brother ruled), he wasn't into the idea of vandals, he didn't want to be relegated to the nerds (a group one doesn't join but instead gets lumped into by the judgment of others), and he didn't want to be one of the invisibles. He points out that the rebels are just invisibles that don't want to be invisible.

He brings up the sometimes ridiculous ends we'll go to in order to belong. Some groups have rituals and hazing; athletic teams have "hell weeks" of training, and so on. Some people get tattoos of a certain design to fit in. Others wear a certain type of hat or shirt or shoe. Some people even get brands burned into their arms to show they belong. Ouch!

"We are all tribal," he says. Once more he's brought home the point that we were created for community. He uses his typewriter / word processor to make one final and symbolic statement. He purposely spaces out the words and "carriage returns" to emphasize isolation.

All of us know how cold it is outside.
It's almost unbearable out there.
Especially when we're there
alone,
isolated,
lonely.

You were never meant to be . . .

(leaves enough space so that the page runs out ... then in the middle of the next page there is just one word):

alone.










Well put.
Hey, I was reading another really cool magazine I like (it being Relevant) and saw an ad for Erwin McManus that talked about Crave a 3-dvd set of short films from the author. Sounds interesting. Website is soulcravings.com

Icky Thump

The other day I realized how much I enjoy the new White Stripes album ... and I noticed that I'm not playing it -- or I haven't played it in awhile. So I played it. I love the brashness of this album. Good stuff. I really wonder if Jack White is a believer. Many of his lyrics would seem to indicate that he was.

Under-appreciated song of the day: "Still Life Of Peace" by Galactic Cowboys (from Space In Your Face). Stack this one up, along with "Speak To Me" and you've possibly got two of the best songs ever.

I was reminded of my limitations yesterday (and the day before). I had set goals that were enormous for Monday alone:

-Put "hyper-links" on every page of the online/digital edition that had one (like all the ads).
-Layout the entire new issue of Heaven's Metal Fanzine (which includes writing a few album reviews and a "metal at Cornerstone Fest" review).
-Upload all the new online content for this website (which usually takes the better part of one day).
-Catch up on sending out download cards and passwords to new subscribers.

All this would have "freed me up" to dedicate all of Tuesday to work on my novel. Fat chance! I spent all day Monday and 8am to 1am yesterday ... and still haven't finished the top two things on the list. Wow. I get kind of upset at myself for not accomplishing it all. I have a vendetta against obstacles in front of this novel. I'm always too busy to work on it ... each deadline comes and goes without leaving any "down" time to work on it. It's a tough thing to accept, but something I've gotta do. I'll pull it off when God gives me the grace and window of time to do it in. Maybe I'll wrap up this other stuff today and can devote from 8am to 8pm tomorrow on the novel? We'll see.

I'm so glad that God loves us and accepts us (and downright cherishes us) for who we are and not for what we do or can do. Whew!

Soul Cravings.14

A Vacuum of Love
McManus makes a few cool statements in this chapter (so, what else is new? this guy seems to breathe great quotes!):

In our own way we are all trying to find our tribe.
I guess we're all part of a tribe -- a family -- a community. The next few sentences are even better, although they're so simple:

"When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment is, His response was simple and straightfoward: 'You are to love God with all yourheart, soul. mind, and strength.' And then He added, 'And you must love your neighbor as yourself.' It seems Jesus simply couldn't restrain Himself to one commandment, but gave His inquirers two of them. Maybe it's because He couldn't separate the effect that connecting to God would have on our relationship to people."

You think? Yes. We were made for community ... and loving and knowing Him really increases our capacity to love those around us.

"Really, Jesus is saying that the most important thing to God is love. Love, it seems, has two arenas where it's played out -- in our relationship with God and in our relationship with people. What's on God's heart is not a list of rules or commands, but the expansion of love ... All God wants for us in this is that we live inhealthy, loving relationships."

While this might sound easy, our experience certainly shows us it's not, huh? The vacuum of love McManus brings up here (and titles the chapter with) can happen with parent/child relationships and other relationships. It certainly highlights the prominence and importance of our parent/child relationships. Wow.

Alwright, TOKYO!!!

Well, I spent the better part of today going through all 80 pages of the Sep/Oct online/digital issue, adding hyperlinks where they should be ... and then I clicked on the "publish" button and now that issue is LIVE!

If you are a subscriber and you have your username and password, go check it out!

:?)

Soul Cravings.13

Being Loved To Death?
This chapter opens with a question: "Does Religion Kill?"
Unfortunately -- most tragically -- it does. McManus brings up the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery that was brought before Jesus. Much has been said about this Gospel story. Many have brought up the question: "Where was her adultery partner?" If she was caught in the act (which is weird), why wasn't he dragged before the Lord, too? If this couple were not only accused by evidence or circumstantial "proof," but by being "busted" during the act of sex, there was no doubt lots of shame in the air. She was probably wrapped up in a robe or blanket nearby and probably endured being scorned, sneered at, and maybe even spit upon. By the time she was brought before Jesus, she was probably expecting the worst -- death by stoning. The Gospel story tells us that she was brought to Him by the religious leaders (pharisees) in order to "trap" Jesus. Those Pharisees must've really had it in for this woman or particularly hated her, because (as one Bible scholar points out) they could have kept her in private custody why they questioned Jesus about her.

People have often wondered what Jesus wrote on the ground, seeing as how he basically didn't even answer the Pharisees when they questioned Him about this. He bent over and wrote in the sand with His finger. They persisted in asking Him to comment, so He finally stood up and said, "He who is without sin cast the first stone." Then He bent down and started writing on the ground again. One by one, from the oldest to the youngest, they left. Some say that Jesus was writing the names of sins these Pharisees were guilty of committing. Some have guessed that He was writing down the names of the girls/mistresses that they had individually slept with in secretly committing the same sin. Some have guessed that He was just doodling, emphasizing the point that He could care less about their little trap. Maybe He wrote a statement, like: "Bring me the guilty man who was committing adultery with her, and then we'll stone them both." Perhaps the fellow was a bigshot or fellow Pharisee. Whatever the reason, he seemed to get off scott-free in this scenerio.

I wonder if Jesus thought at all about the bloodshed that was imminent. I wonder if He'd witnessed public executions by this point in His life. If He had, did He turn away? Did He cry? Perhaps He'd never been a part of such a stoning or seen a crucifixion. I imagine the potential for brutal bloodshed gave reason to stress a little bit. We see not indication of Him stressing out, though -- except in the garden when He faced His own death. He told His best friends, "I am overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" and He sweat drops of blood from His forehead. That was ultimate stress.

It's interesting that Jesus did not get political. He taught very many moral lessons that can certainly guide a responsible and intelligent group of people (to use His principles in governing people), but He never once fulfilled the suspicions of many of His day and hinted at the overthrow of the corrupt Roman government. Maybe He kept the "main thing the main thing" or maybe He knew that His very own followers wouldn't have the time or moral fortitude to rule over the world. He certainly placed "religion" over politics.

McManus finishes chapter 13 with a story about a girl named Nichole that was raised by teenage drug-using parents, enduring a life of abuse that only later saw the light of redemption through a Christian family in high school that showed her a good example of a healthy family ... and then the love of a caring friend after high school. It's so special that a friend can show someone love. The response, I think, shows us an example of what I think is one of the highest orders of the use of our shoulders on this planet: receiving and/or giving a heartfelt hug of gratitude and love for caring. The way we can wrap our arms around each other is such a cool gift from God. An embrace is a good thing. I can only imagine the sort of hug that Nichole must've given her friend Marisol after she was shown the forgiving grace of God.

To Hell With The Devil

Thanks to a friend (named Mike) I now have the limited edition vinyl album cover of Stryper's To Hell With The Devil framed on the office wall here. It was a tough choice on what album to pick for this honor. Finalists for my quick decision were: Larry Norman's So Long Ago The Garden, Gamma's 2 album (which show a couple of "lawn sharks" knifing through the green grass of someone's backyard), and Zao's Splinter Shards The Birth Of Separation. Ultimately, it was the history and significance to HM's beginnings that won THWTD ... at least for now. Fun stuff.

Unbelieving Bob

I wonder what people said or thought about Saul prior to his conversion. He was a Christian killer, so I'm sure that the believers in his time were not too fond of the guy. He was no doubt feared to some extent. I can't speak for believers in the first century for obvious reasons, but it's possible we might not be too far off in ascribing to them common human characteristics. I wonder if people ever took the time to ponder, 'What makes this Saul guy act the way he does? What fuels his anger towards Christians?' I bet some of these believers prayed for him, asking God to reveal His Son Jesus to him. Little did they know that he would soon be born again.

This idea makes me slow to judge people. Yes, we might know someone who is making choices that are damaging to themselves and those around them... We might know someone who mocks our faith and/or tries to "push our buttons" with derrogatory statements or jokes. They might embrace a lifestyle that flies in the face of peaceful and God-loving attitudes ... but we don't really know how this person might be acting tomorrow -- or next week or next year.

I hope that in any of these cases that I might experience with friends or other people -- I hope that my behavior now isn't something I'll regret or apologize for later. I'd prefer to rejoice with a brother or sister after they are reborn/restored/redeemed and not have to say, "I'm sorry I was so judgmental and mean to you before this." I would certainly prefer to hear something like, "Thanks for being a good example" or "Thanks for not being judgmental and mean to me while I was lost in my sin" or "I used to think Christians were out to lunch, but your example made being a Christian seem attractive." Now, that would be cool to hear.

Granted, sometimes loving actions or words of conflict or confrontation can be perceived as "judgmental or mean," but that's not something we can entirely be responsible for. Sometimes some people are so twisted up that anything outside of their sphere is seen as suspect and antagonistic. One example would be the alcoholic or drug addict. Sometimes their perception of reality can be delusional. Anyone that doesn't enable them or vocally support their current actions are sometimes treated with disdain. In a case like that, we can try even harder to be sensitive and choose our words and actions even more carefully, but sometimes those are situations where we have to live with (and even expect) indifference or friction instead of gratitude for our actions. Maybe later that person will apologize for their actions/anger/disrespect, etc.

Maybe just imagining that so & so falls in love with their heavenly Father will be enough of an attitude adjustment for us to think twice about our actions and prompt us to prayer. Intercessory prayer is so cool. It's often "silent love" that no one else on earth knows about, but God hears it.

Soul Cravings.12

It's Murder Out There

This twelfth chapter is pretty negative. It talks of murder and pain and violence. McManus is a happy city dweller. When they finally got a home in the LA area, they had a pool that was adopted by some local ducks. Soon the ducks had a nest and lots of baby ducks lived nearby. The situation turned into a nightmare, however, as the McManus family helplessly watched each of the baby ducks get picked off by predators. One time he saw a crow swoop down and snatch a baby duck -- even against the efforts of mama duck. This was too much for McManus to bear, he reveals.

I bet he cried.

One night he was awakened by a quack, which he surely knew was another baby duck getting snatched away to a certain death by eating. It was at this alarming moment that McManus felt an encounter with God. It was probably a thought in his mind, like a conversation with God. The Lord revealed to him that this feeling he was having is how God feels about every human on earth. How He cares for them and guards them and grieves when bad things happen to them.

This chance encounter touched McManus. I can relate to such an encounter. Like the duck scenerio, it was an odd context that a "conversation" happened. I've talked about this one before in this blog. I was having a conversation with God in my head, as if we were communicating telepathicallly. I was voicing my opinion of not wanting to pick out a fat woman for a wife ... as if I couldn't love a fat woman. I don't form any theology out of this next statement about the form of God, but I remember hearing almost a broken voice shouting, "I'm fat! Does that mean you don't love Me?" It was one of those stop-everything moments where the thought pounded me like a 16-ton weight against my chest.

I should not let superficial opinions or perspectives (which are all relative, anyway) dictate how I feel or perceive another person's worth. If I gained nothing else from the "conversation," I at least felt the pain of rejection that a person deemed fat, ugly or unwanted must sometimes feel. That is not the kind of pain I'd like to inflict on anyone.

This chapter is like a love song written to the victims of predators out there. The children kidnapped into a life of prostitution; the child molested by a formerly trusted adult. The love that one person feels towards others makes them want to protect them from predators. When people talk about peace and love, I believe that's the Word from God to the responsible and healthy person. It's like telling the strong person, "Take care of the weaker ones. Look after them. Help them." To show humility and peace and gentleness, it often is a possibility or a choice to and from the person with strength. To be peaceful is like a command or teaching or suggestion or choice to the person of strength. The weaker person has no choice sometimes but to submit to the stronger person attacking them. The strong person, however -- the one operating out of health -- has a choice. They can submit, offer humility and extend peace and love.

One overlooked item in all of this is the protective nature. I think using violence against a predator is okay. I think it's warranted. The person of strength should be peaceful. But if that person has an opportunity to prevent an injustice or a predator's attack to a smaller one and can step in using whatever force is necessary (including violence), I say "do it." There is evil in this world. Opposing it sometimes takes extraordinary courage, strength, and effort.

I think the protective mother instinct we see in nature is God-given, and I think it's appropriate for the person who loves to feel and sense that. But that's just my opinion.

Evanescence.v3

I took my daughter to see Flyleaf and Evanescence on Sunday. I tried to calculate my drive time to catch Flyleaf's set, but wouldn't you know it ... we arrived right after they finished their mainstage set. We checked out our seats and watched a little bit of Atreyu. They're a funny band. They've got some good elements: a singing drummer with a good voice and some guitar players that can wail. Collectively, though, they leave a little something to be desired. (at least in my humble opinion -- or IMHO) At times they sounded a little like Underoath, but not fully. At other times, my daughter pointed out, they had that hardcore riffage a la The Devil Wears Prada. We ended up wandering around for the rest of their set. We came back to our seats to see all of Evanescence. This was the first time I'd seen them. After their incarnation and first album's round of touring, Ben Moody left. The second incarnation of the band included John LeCompte (of Mindrage) and Rocky (from Living Sacrifice), but they have been jettisoned. This third incarnation, which includes members of Cold, is still real solid. I wasn't sure how they'd look and sound live. I've got their live album, but I admit I don't listen to it much. Overall, Amy Lee and company sounded real good. It was interesting to hear her sing "Bring Me To Life" without the help of any male vocals. My mind kept completing the expected voice/counterpart each time they hit the chorus. That was funny. The song still "works," but it sure ain't the same.

I would have taken some great shots, but I soon found out that my "media" pass wasn't the same as a photo pass that I had thought I was given. I hadn't bothered to look at it closely and seen the word "photo" crossed out. Oh well. It was funny to be accosted by the people running the photo pit. Instead of putting up a fight, I went along. I really never want to be the kind of person that gets offended easily and tries to argue my place somewhere. And I never want to be the kind of person that "pulls rank" in situations like that. I'd rather vomit (which I hate) than argue my importance or right to be somewhere. Besides, it was probably a better example for my daughter to see me not argue with someone instead of the other way around.

After Evanescence we bailed. I would've stuck around to see Korn if I was by myself or if we had been able to hang out with Fieldy for a few minutes, but neither case presented itself. So we headed for the nearest Jack In The Box and the freeway home. It's not easy getting in contact with a travelling entertainer. They are separated from the public by security forces, gates and walls. I had a publicist contact for the tour, but my voicemail didn't make the magic doors open and we didn't hook up. That might've been cool, as Fieldy and I had a really good interview last week. We both talked about hooking up on this date for further discussion, but connecting means going through other channels, and I kind of get turned off by the effort it takes sometimes to break through all of that. Even if I was related to the guy, I would find it hard (and mildly offensive or "distasteful") to experience that kind of "let me in" struggle.

Soul Cravings.11

Chased By Love
(Please Don't Run Too Fast)

Wow. This chapter does a great job of explaining God's love -- of shedding light in just the right angle to help make sense of it more. He tells the story about how he (McManus, the author of Soul Cravings) was in the Middle East once giving a talk about the history of Christianity. He found himself in a spot where he couldn't avoid a question that his audience had put to him. They wanted to know the meaning behind the coming of Jesus. Speaking through a translator, he began with: "I once met a girl named Kim..."

The translator looked at him, puzzled as to why he'd answer the question this way. He went on to tell of how he persued this Kim with his love and asked her to marry him. She said no. McManus said he could feel their empathy due to the story, if not their pity. Finally, he resolved the tension and told of how he kept persuing Kim and finally won her over and she did marry him. The room felt the relief of tension. He followed that up with the statement that he did not send his brother, nor a friend.

"For in issues of love, you must go yourself."

Isn't that a beautiful way of describing why God came to earth in the form of a man (named Jesus)? What's cool is how McManus describes how this went over with a Muslim audience.

"In that moment the story of Jesus was not about who is right and who is wrong, what God's Name is and Who His prophet is, but what exactly God's motivation toward humanity is. If the message that God wants to get across to us is just about getting our beliefs right, then He didn't need to come Himself. If God's entire intent was to clarify right from wrong, no personal visitation was necessary. If the ultimate end was simply to overhwelm us with the miraculous so that we would finally believe, then even God taking on flesh and blood and walking among us was far from necessary. There is only one reason for God to come Himself, because in issues of love, you just can't have someone else stand in for you."

Isn't that awesome?

Soul Cravings.10

What Must I Do to Be Loved?
This was a cool chapter. It talked at length about conditional love and how we seem to project that kind of love on God. Many religions, it seems, work this way: you earn God's love. McManus took this thought to its logical conclusion: that God is an egomaniac that loves feeling self-important, so he makes himself all the more elusive to us so that we will continue to pursue him.

"It's like being in love with a person who has no interest in you. He loves your advances only because they make him feel self-important, but really he has no motivation to pursue you. It's all one-sided. He loves being pursued, and so your desire only inspires him to be more elusive."

"...He's just some really good-looking, smug, and arrogant Divine Being who loves being the object of all our affection."

Wow. Like McManus goes on to say, that is the kind of relationship that any good friend would try to talk us out of. "You're wasting your time!" we'd say.

Religion does kind of imply that, "If we want to get close to God, then follow these rules." That ain't right.

"Whatever kind of love you can purchase, it isn't the love your soul longs for. If you have to buy love, its' not even worth the price. I know that many of us look to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John for our spiritual wisdom, but in this case John, Paul, George, and Ringo got it right -- can't buy me love."

That's a great quote!

What's really cool is that we are the objects of God's love. I think of all the romanctic movies out there -- whether it's a romantic comedy or a drama. They all follow a similar formula: love is discovered; love is somehow lost; one realizes that love is lost and must be pursued... Then there is the pursuit scene. Most of the time it's edited together with a music background, showing a collage of a person in pursuit of another. Long drives in the country, across bridges and such are common. So are actual running through the hallway, down the sidewalk kind of sequences.

God is the author of love and it seems He pursues us with this kind of relentless and reckless abandon.

iS mY iPod sHuffle iNtelligent?

On the way to work this morning my iPod shuffled the following back-to-back: David Bowie, Spyglass Blue, and then Terry Taylor. What are the odds of that? And before that it was playing a King's X song from the Live on Z-Rock recording I've got and later it played another King's X song from Live All Over The Place. That's odd.

Types of emails I hate

#1 INSIPID-IRRATIONAL
You know those inspirational stories that reinforce our belief and trust in God? Aren't they heartwarming? Well, they are ... up until the point where you get to the bottom and there's some sort of challenge or curse about passing this on to receive a blessing or how much of a coward you are for Christ if you don't pass it on (for they know how eager I am to pass on other emails ... but it's this email about God I'll hesitate and not forward; haha if they only knew the truth). It turns the email message from inspirational into sinspirational. From godly to satanic. There have been a handful of times (out of the tens of thousands I've rec'd) where I have forwarded the message on ... but only after deleting all that chain letter garbage about passing it on at the end.

If the message is good, it'll stand on its own. It doesn't need heaps of guilt or the threat of a supernatural curse if we don't pass it on...

#2 ANGRY (un)TRUE STORIES
You know those stories that point out an injustice or some other reason to get mad? Lately it's been the immigration issue. Seems a lot of people are letting seeds of hatred towards their Latin American brothers and sisters get sown in their hearts. If they only knew how much God loved this culture and how much He is blessing it. I got one yesterday about someone that wanted to cancel their bank credit card account, because they were tired of seeing the bank give credit to non-citizens or something. During the process of the transaction, they were asked for their social security number. This person refused, because the illegals don't have social security numbers and yet they get service here without it. The customer service person told him that when callers connect and press "2" for Spanish, they won't get asked for a Social Security number. Well, investigate this on snopes if you want, but don't you know that this story is false? In fact, 100% of the stories you read on the internet are false -- especially if it's in the body of one of those "pass this on" type emails! While the accuracy of the statistic I just threw out there might be slightly off by a fraction of one percentage point, if we followed this advice (which I've been doing for about five years now), we'd be much better off than believing this garbage. Have you ever sent out an enraging email to a list of people -- only to be replied back with a link from snopes that shows that police in Georgia never do such and such (or some other report concerning the alleged crime/activity).

Samson and Delilah

We have two wild cats here at the ranch.
Or we did...

They've been ordered to stay in the shed for three weeks to acclimate themselves to this being their new home. They're fairly small silver tabbies. Samson is the male and he made a run for the door this morning. I was standing guard in front of it, as was our dog, Biscuit. Like a good running back, Samson would not let any obstacles in his way. Because he's a spitter and a lash-out-at-you kinda cat, I wasn't as "hands on" as I might've been. He got passed me and Biscuit chased him several yards before I called him off.

I pray that Samson doesn't run off, but instead explores and comes back here for his food. If not, he's surely a goner.

Soul Cravings.9

McManus talks in this chapter about people running from God, angry at God, yet at the same time desperately searching for Him. I wonder if God ever chuckles at our efforts to run from Him. I wonder about a friend of mine. I don't know if he would consider himself an atheist or an agnostic or an angry unbeliever. He sounds like he believes there is no God at all, even though he grew up believing in God. I'm sure he's convinced himself to the point of his own level of intellectual satisfaction that there isn't a God. He probably gets pretty preturbed when he hears about believers abusing one another. Sometimes he writes poems about his "findings" and his conclusions. I wonder if God smiles at this, kinda shakes his head, like He's saying, "Oh Saul, oh Saul, if you only knew who you were going to be in just a couple months or years..." In a way, my friend's running, ranting and anger could all be part of a grand scheme that ultimately gives glory to God. The fire that burns within a person to insist that there is no God could very well serve as a huge piece of evidence that there is, indeed, a God.

McManus reveals how his first year of marriage was wonderful; but the engagement leading up to it was very rocky. Seems his Kim was always picking fights with him. He wondered if it was on purpose. He finally confronted her and found out that it sorta was. Her parents abandoned her at the age of eight and she grew up in a foster home. She was convinced, deep down inside, that Erwin would leave her, too. In a way, her insecurities almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy that drove him away. He loved her, of course, and wouldn't dream of abandoning her.

I can remember feeling kind of insecure about getting married. For some reason, part of me feared that something would go wrong and the relationship would fall apart before it could be fused together in marriage. I remember finally breathing a sigh of relief when we walked down the aisle after the end of the ceremony. I have no idea what fed into that insecurity, but it was a real struggle. I remember getting in kind of a fight over the phone the night before the wedding. It was almost like I was acting like a dufus on purpose -- to fulfill my biggest fears -- and I had no control over it. Before, during, and especially after the argument, I felt certain that it would anger Charlotta, that she would "come to her senses," and she would call the whole thing off.

I remember confiding in a friend (who was actually the last "other" girl I dated prior to making Charlotta my exclusive romantic love) about how I was having bad dreams about Charlotta leaving me for another guy. She told me straight up, "She's chosen you." I can't remember her other words now, but it drove the point home that my insecurities were not based upon my lover's actions; they were based upon some fear inside of me -- and they were wrong. It's not easy to "stuff" a feeling or tell it where to go, but we have to do that sometimes. Whether it's worry or fear or some other negative and very unhelpful emotion, it must be put into submission.

I reckon it to fasting, where our brain tells our stomach who's really in charge. The stomach thinks it's in charge and will put up a HUGE fight to prove it. When the brain wins that one, it's a good thing. It's also like disciplining our bodies in exercise, training, weight-lifting, running -- that sort of thing. Even though there's discomfort and pain, our will (our mind) takes charge and forces our body to submit.

We're very comfortable as people, McManus says, with conditional love, rather than unconditional love. When we can love unconditionally, we are definitely becoming more like God's character. He's not cynical. His favor doesn't change if we get fat or if we fail or even if we flip Him the "bird" or rant about Him not existing. A love like that is amazing. Sometimes our waywardness really needs love like that. Without it, we'd be in big trouble.

"It is insanity to run from God and search for love."

(another one of his bolded quotes.)

The flashing of "horns"

(doesn't this guy know that that's just a symbol of devotion for the 2005 National Champion Texas Longhorns?!)
hehe

Interesting new article on Christian rock written by a British reporter that I talked to while at Cornerstone Festival this past year.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/omm/story/0,,2144023,00.html

I saw a snake

I was just out for a mid-morning stroll, drinking a Monster Energy drink, keeping an eye out for the Fed Ex truck (expecting the new issue any minute now), giving the wild cats some water and see what ole Douglass was up to. I mosey'd on down to the broken pond area with Biscuit in tow. Just before I ducked my head under the low branches at the Y by the pond, I saw it -- a snake. Biscuit was just West of it by a few yards, but didn't see it. I hollered at him to come to me and then held on to his collar as that snake slithered away. It was a slim guy, dark skinned. Pretty long. He sure moved fast away from me. I'm guessing by location (and not by sight) that it was a water moccasin. He was "standing" pretty high before he slithered off.

My heart is still beating faster.

Soul Cravings.8

Love Lost and Abandoned
Most of this chapter tells the story of a girl named McCall. She was abandoned by her father at a young age and ignored by her alcoholic mother. Her life became a desperate search for love and security. Her search led her to a million places with all kinds of spiritual stops along the way. She resonated with music and found a place where McManus pastors, I guess -- a church in LA called Mosaic. She went out with some sorority girls one night (eek!) and was asked what freaked her out about Jesus. She told them that he had "abandonment issues."

McManus starts off this chapter by saying we all have abandonment issues -- just some more than others. McCall was one of the "more than others" types. The sorority girls asked her to read John 14 that night. She did read it -- over and over -- until the chapter "began to read her." That's a cool way of describing how the words of the Bible can jump out of the pages and into your heart and mind, as if the Author had been "reading your mail" or intercepting your inner thoughts.

It's neat to hear other people's story and find out what has led them away or toward the Lover of our souls. It really is cool to find that anchor that ties us to the maker of our innermost being, that Person Who knows how our hearts, emotions, mind, and soul work and why. Allowing God to redefine our value for us. When we realize what really makes us important, all those false props that we'd been using to make us feel good get seen for what they are -- cheap substitutes for the real thing.

Out on the streets for a livin'

Kiss' drummer, Peter Criss, arguably had the best voice in Kiss. He sang that line in the old song "Black Diamond." His scratchy Rod Stewart-esque voice graced hits like "Beth" and "Hard Luck Woman." Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley monopolized the vocal mics in that band, for sure -- only letting "the cat" out of his drum cage once every album or so.

Chapter 7 of Soul Cravings talks about sex and love. While sex is certainly a God-given and beautiful gift and expression of love, turns out it is a lousy substitute for it. McManus brings up how sad the 55-year old womanizer looks. While he may have looked cool at age 22, guzzling beer and claiming he'd be single for life, it's not too hard to see through the conquest and brag facade they put up.

A better definition of lover and love than the Don Juan "love 'em and leave 'em" would be the one McManus throws out:

"Love is not about how many people we have used, but about how much we have cherished one person."

That's why seeing a couple celebrate their 25th and 50th wedding anniversaries is so cool and special.

On a much less serious level, I am glad that I didn't burn any bridges or lay waste to any of the 80s metal rockstars of yesterdecade. When some of these artists make a comeback and we see each other, it's nice to know that our friendship can pick up where it left off (some of them also have been ongoing by staying in touch over the years), as opposed to avoiding them for some bitter-fueled diatribe I could have written to get my friends of another genre to pat me on the back. Changing over time is a good thing that shows growth, but being loyal to friends of an "old guard" is a good thing that can be treasured. I'm glad for the friendships I've got ... and I hope I can be a good friend.

I certainly want to be a better lover. Giving to others and putting them above yourself is certainly a practical way to love. Sometimes it doesn't feel all mushy and romantic, but I'd say it fits the biblical, self-less definition.

Lust Control is alive and well in Austin, Texas!

Wow!
Look what our beloved bassist (Butch) did:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEwg_OyfkSo

Yeah! That's me screamin!
I always loved this song in an odd sort of way.

Pass the link on and let everyone see this!
:?)

Stickers mean something

Some school-age football programs reward big football hits and plays with little stickers for that player's helmet. For example, by the end of the season, the Ohio State Buckeyes have their silver helmets almost covered with the things. I eat Rice Crispies cereal and I like to mix it with fresh banana slices. Most bananas have a sticker (whether it's Dole or Chiquita depends on what brand you buy), and I place the banana sticker on the cereal box, as if it's being rewarded for good breakfast play or something.
Fascinating, I know...

If I Was Being Set Up
If some secular band wanted to toy with me, they'd know in advance that I was likely to ask them "the Jesus question," and have an answer prepared. They'd try to flatter me with compliments on the questions I ask. Yesterday I interviewed a member of Korn and was pretty surprised by some of the answers. When I asked him, "What do you think of Jesus Christ?" He replied, "the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Wow. Part of me thought, 'Either this was a setup, or this guy's for real. When he complimented me on my interview questions being "good questions," I thanked him, but thought, 'If this is false flattery, they've studied me and know how to get to me.'
Ha ha. I don't really believe these delusional and paranoid thoughts, but they did cross my mind. Pretty interesting how that turned out.

Meow, meow, meow.
In a move that would either thrill or grieve former employees like Chad Olson (who, I think, grew up on a farm), we added more animals to the HM Ranch experience. A couple in our church had a growing feral cat problem and was looking for a place to take some. I need some cats to catch the mice around here, so our problems collided into a pretty good solution. This morning I brought the cats in a cage to the office. I've got them in our storage shed in the back, where I'll keep them for 2-3 weeks so they can get used to this place being "home." Then they'll have the roam of the ranch.

Soul Cravings.6

When Love Cuts Like a Knife

McManus tells a story in this sixth chapter about a knife he was given by a motorcyclist that attended one of his talks in Southern California. Seems the man was moved or troubled by the talk and later approached the speaker and struck up a conversation. He gave McManus this big knife as a symbol of giving up his life of violence on that day. When pressed to find out the source of this bitterness, he was told that this guy found his wife and his brother in bed one day and killed them both in a fit of rage and has been running ever since.

These kinds of encounters don't happen to everybody. We've seen it all before on television, but until it happens to you, it's not mind-blowing. This must've blown McManus away. Sometimes events like these require "coolness" to keep from being visibly freaked out.

McManus underlines his previous point about how hatred is toxic for the soul.

"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate."

Can you recall ever dealing with that? I can recall a traumatic event a few years back that tried me. I remember choosing not to hate. I knew that was a bad idea. But it's the presence of love that really drives out hatred the best. Resisting hate can possibly be done with willpower and logic, but the activity of love in motion seems to set hatred a-running.

It's not enough to say, "I forgive you," but it is a choice to love and to act in love. That can be conflicting, for sure; but it is a good thing.

Soul Cravings.6

When Love Cuts Like a Knife

McManus tells a story in this sixth chapter about a knife he was given by a motorcyclist that attended one of his talks in Southern California. Seems the man was moved or troubled by the talk and later approached the speaker and struck up a conversation. He gave McManus this big knife as a symbol of giving up his life of violence on that day. When pressed to find out the source of this bitterness, he was told that this guy found his wife and his brother in bed one day and killed them both in a fit of rage and has been running ever since.

These kinds of encounters don't happen to everybody. We've seen it all before on television, but until it happens to you, it's not mind-blowing. This must've blown McManus away. Sometimes events like these require "coolness" to keep from being visibly freaked out.

McManus underlines his previous point about how hatred is toxic for the soul.

"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate."

Can you recall ever dealing with that? I can recall a traumatic event a few years back that tried me. I remember choosing not to hate. I knew that was a bad idea. But it's the presence of love that really drives out hatred the best. Resisting hate can possibly be done with willpower and logic, but the activity of love in motion seems to set hatred a-running.

It's not enough to say, "I forgive you," but it is a choice to love and to act in love.

Soul Cravings.5

I'm reviewing the new As I Lay Dying album right now... It's intense, but chapter 5 of this book is possibly even more brutal than the sounds I'm hearing.

McManus talks about how sometimes we feel unloved or that "there is no place for us in the world," we choose isolation. It's a way to "get back" at the world for not loving us or to "get them before they get us." When someone asks themselves, "Does anyone really care?" And if/when they conclude that the answer is "no," then they decide to join those ranks and not care for anyone else, either. "Sometimes we take this so far that we decide the only way not to feel pain is to inflict it."

Wow. That's dark. McManus talks about the Unabomber, who chose a life of isolation and chose to destroy others. Harris and Klebold must've given up on love, to plan on destroying as much life as they could before their own.

"The more we live disconnected lives, the more we become indifferent to the well-being of others." That makes sense. Community programs and reviving the family is really a huge step in the right direction. When someone is really involved in a community (an extended "family") they are much healthier and surely less likely to isolate ourselves and choose violence.

"When there is disengagement from human community,
there is the potential for inhumanity."

That is an understatement. I love his next quote:

"The human heart
was not created
to be a container
for hate."

Wow. Tonight is either the national "Family Night Out" or it's just regional in our area. But there are parties planned in neighborhoods everywhere around here. I plan on taking in a movie at the park. They'll be showing "We Are Marshall" at Fritz Park in Hutto. That will be a community-building event. It's interesting, insightful and practical how having something of interest (a movie) will motivate people to come together.

Treating art like a "tool" or "bait" to bring people together can be taken to an extreme and cheapen art (I guess the error comes in only viewing art and its value through that one lens), but certainly it can serve that purpose, too.

Soul Cravings.4

One Is The Loneliest Number

(by the way, this book has each entry/chapter broken up into VERY SMALL portions, so if you like the idea of picking up the book and following along with us here like a virtual book club but feel like it's too late now that we are on chapter 4 -- don't feel that way. Tell yourself: "Self, those feelings are invalid," and get the book. It'll take you maybe 5-10 minutes to read 5 or more chapters. Chapter 4 here was one and a half pages long -- real easy.)

This entry/chapter asks the question: "Have you ever come face-to-face with the vacuum of love that exists within your soul?" McManus talks about those times where you can feel alone -- even in the middle of a big crowd. And, conversely, how you can feel completely at peace and fulfilled -- even when all alone. Sometimes loneliness eats away at us, making us feel unlovable.

I want my kids to grow up learning to love the so-called "unlovable" and reach out to lonely people. That will be risky at times, but more so when they reach adulthood. Odds are that most lonely people their age will not have the "wounded dog syndrome," where they'll snap at anyone that gets too near. Some people get rejection thrown on them and they have a hard time shaking it off. Sometimes it might even be healthiest to tell yourself a lie and ignore the rejection, not giving it any attention. At other times, though, real criticism can help us immensely -- even though it might hurt to see our weaknesses and faults honestly.

"We are created to know God and to know love. It is love that moves God toward us and love that pulls us toward him. Follow love and it will guide you to God. Love is the beginning of all things. From the very beginning you were made for love. It may be hard to accept, but you are the object of God's love."

Wow. I love that. I think it's true that God is really madly in love with us. All those gooey and mushy romantic feelings -- Who created those? Might the Creator that made them know something about love? True love? Jesus was revolutionary when He -- being a Jewish man in the middle of a Jewish tribe and people with Mosaic thoughts on Who God was -- told people that God was a Father. He consistently refered to Him as Father. We should do the same. One little change that each of us should make (in my humble, little opinion) is to start praying to "Father" or "Our Father" (instead of "God," "Jesus" or even "Lord."). See if that little tweak in your prayer life yields any changes in your relationship with Him and/or your perspective of the Father. Anyway, Jesus told story after story that underlined the value God has in us. We worry about earning a living and providing clothes for us and our families. Jesus reminded us how His Father cared for the birds of the air and the flowers of the field, and He made a strong point that WE were much more VALUABLE than birds or flowers.

God really does care for us. While a doubter might think that to be so much psycho-babble self-talk, it's true. And the truth of that is transforming. When we realize that God values us and loves us, we start to allow God to love us (what a concept) and in turn we start to see other people around us as valuable too, and that even changes our behavior and increases our ability to love others.

"Without love there is no life. To love is to be fully human."

Right on.

Mom, can i have a puppy?

Oh, you wanna puppy? That's sweet. You'll have to take care of him, darling.

Oh, sure! No problem!

(a little while later)

Mom! Puppy pooped on the carpet!

Remember, I told you that you'd have to take care of him?

Ah, Mom!

He he. That's how it is this morning. The coffee smells strong -- fortunately, stronger than the donkey manure smell. I'll have some good fertilizer to grow stuff around here, but it's gonna smell like a farm now. I knew I'd live and learn some stuff by getting a donkey, but I forgot how much those animals can poop!
haha

Let's See...

...if I can successfully post more photos (I've been having some errors lately with that...).

Meet Douglas

That's right ... we have a donkey -- a real live jackass -- at the HM ranch now.

Soul Cravings.3

Love Is a Thin Red Line

"When you give up on love, everythign else seems to go with it --
joy,
hope,
forgiveness,
compassion --
they're all interconnected."

Wow. That's giving up on a lot of cool stuff.

Another zinger is quoted here:

"When love does not come to you, it breaks your heart, but when you do not give love away, it hardens your heart."

Ouch! It sounds like we are destined for pain. McManus reaffirms his paranoia of a "conspiracy theory" (that we are designed for love). He saw Thin Red Line in a movie theater in Westwood (part of Los Angeles near UCLA), where he vividly remembers two things:

1. Jim Caviezel stood in the lobby watching reactions of the people as they left.
2. A "haunting" monologue in the middle of this war movie:

"My dear wife,
you get something twisted out of your insides by all this blood, filth, and noise.
I wanna stay changless for you.
I wanna come back to you the man I was before.
How do we get to those other shores?
To those blue hills.
Love.
Where does it come from?
Who lit this flame in us?
No war can put it out, conquer it.
I was a prisoner.
You set me free."

Wow. That is a unique line -- especially in the middle of a war movie! That is a deep and yet need-to-ask question. Where does love come from? It's almost like an alien virus that we've been infected with. We're powerless to negate its influence over us. We can alter it (harden or soften our hearts), but we can't completely avoid it.

McManus repeats his point again and again -- We all crave love. We were made for it. He leaves us with this last thought:

"The most powerful evidence that our souls crave God is that within us there is a longing for love. We are all connected by a thin red line."

Man, how I wish everyone would believe in God! I wish everyone could see that He exists and how I wish that all could embrace Him and receive His love and forgiveness. I wonder what the world would be like if we all believed in Jesus? We'd certainly still all be different, but I wonder how that would or could limit the effects of sin on our planet? The earth would certainly extract its cursed toil on laborers. Disease and death would still strike -- seemingly at random. There would still be denominations and disagreements over the degrees of sovereignty, grace, tradition, ritual and other details.

I remember seeing Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort debate a couple atheists on tv. One of the common arguments about/against/for God's existence is that you can't see Him. "But you can't see love, either. Does that mean love doesn't exist?" I wish the two believers had done a better job at debating. That is the risk and nature of live television, though. You have to bring it when it's happening. You can't come back later and say, "If only I had said this or that!" It's not as easy as it looks, but there are good argument points to bring up in a debate with an atheist. Love is certainly a powerful one.

BEFORE Soul Cravings.3

Did 90210 really change the 90s? Or the world? I don't think so, but Radar does. Hmmm. I'm planning on getting a donkey delivered to the HM Ranch soon. Was supposed to happen yesterday, but the owners didn't have a trailer handy. Then this morning, but no trailer. Could happen tomorrow, but most likely on Monday. That'll be fun. I'll post pictures here. I will post some photos of the crop-duster airplane that "buzzed" the office last month. The yellow plane seemed closer than these pics make it look.

(hmmm, after multiple tries and the same internal error, I will postpone the posting of the airplane photos -- they're obviously trying to stop me!)
hehe

Soul Cravings.2

Entry #2 I'm Living in the World's Most Dangerous Place
This entry starts off with a reference to Young Pelton's book, The World's Most Dangerous Place, which discusses dangerous places and how to get there and survive. McManus (not to be confused with Dave McManus, who wrote Monkeying Around With America's Future, which I will expound upon later) relates this to someone whom he wonders "has ever been in love."

He makes a memorable statement here, that says:

"...the only people who can hurt you deeply
are the ones
you allow to
get deep
inside your soul."

He talks correctly about how loving someone makes us vulnerable to getting hurt by that someone -- because we let them into our personal space, those fragile parts of our heart.

"When you give your heart away to someone, you entrust it to that person's care. Your beloved can pretty much do whatever he or she wants with it. You are left vulnerable and defenseless. Isn't love grand? No wonder we're all searching for it."

Nice!
He briefly gives a (purposefully) lame argument against love -- warning us to stay away from it.

He poses a good question, too, which basically asks, "If you could erase the memory of your greatest love to be free from the pain of losing it, would you?" Most of us, he surmises, would not.

"We are addicted to love," he says, "and it's out of control. We would give anything and everything to find it."

Now he's beginning to hold a conspiracy theory about love, like God secretly designed us to crave this "crazy little thing called love."

I'm reminded of another song (that last reference was by the band Queen, by the way ... which always sounded very Elvis to me), which is not "Burning Love" by Elvis, but "We Were Born To Be Loved" by King's X.

King's X is an amazing band that many people have, unfortunately given up on due to the theology of its main vocalist. The problem with that "discard" and "throw away" mentality is that we discount someone and their work as soon as they displease us. This should not be the case. You don't have to agree with a person's worldview to appreciate his or her artistic output. Anyway, this song hits the nail on the head about our created design to love and be loved.

McManus ends this entry with another good quote:

"To give up on love is to choose a life that is less than human.
To give up on love is to give up on life."

Have you ever felt like giving up on love? Have you ever installed "trap doors" upon/around your heart to avoid future pain? It's risky to take those trap doors and discard with the defense mechanisms. It's true -- you might get hurt again. But to retreat will result in a far worse condition, will it not?

The perfect cup

I had a large Caramel Macchiato today at a local independent coffee shop on the way to work this morning. It was the first time I had mentioned this drink by name and the owner (God bless him) didn't bring up the popular yet simple drink recipe that has become so popular with Starbucks. It's gotta be tough being an indie shop when franchises like Starbucks abound.

I love the Java Rocks Coffee House, though. Sometimes I'll stop by and write with my laptop there. The owner is nice enough to keep the ocassional copy of HM lying around. Soul Cravings.2 posting soon.