Doug Van Pelt

The Love Dare.13

(gasp!)
cough...what? you're back on the blog?!?
We don't believe it!

Sorry for the delay. I would have liked to have made this 40-day experiment 40 days in a row, but that wasn't very feasible with SXSW and deadline right on top of each other in March.

This chapter is called "Love Fights Fair."
It is one of the basic things that a couple should learn in pre-marital counseling. Of course, these principles work really well in any relationship. In a marriage, it is vital to learn this. When conflict happens -- and it happens to the most holy of us. We can act pretty pious when we're alone, but when we rub up against another person's habits, sin, and exhaustion, we will inevitably have conflict. The thing about a fight is it often brings out the worst in us. Not many people plan for a fight. It's usually unexpected, so being caught off guard is working against you. Many times you're exhausted, so that is working against you (double-time, because conflict itself is very emotionally draining; so it's zapping what little strength you already had). And when you're tired and worn out and irritated, that is a prime time for ugliness to rear its, uh, ugly head.

I think it's kind of funny to see people resort to the least-common denominator of name-calling. It's like, when they run out of all their ammunition, they just simply try to hurt the other person by calling them names. This is an obvious rule to abide by.

When my wife and I got engaged, we got some good advice and this whole "fighting fair" thing was drilled into us.

The Love Dare book lists some good rules for fighting, broken down into "We" boundaries and "Me" boundaries:

We
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

"Me"
1. I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19)
2. I will deal with my own issues up-front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3)
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)

I want to be able to learn better how to call a "time out" during my own anger or in a conflict. I'm not worried about the extreme end of "damaging levels," but would like to be able to halt my emotions and force a cool down just because I think it would be a better way to approach conflict sometimes. I'm thinking of a scenerio in which a conflict doesn't get resolved, but keeps going around and around. Stopping or pausing would be good to re-focus.

Lord, help us all respond better in conflict. We could use Your help all across the board in all of our relationships.
Amen.

Posted by Doug Van Pelt at April 3, 2009 11:14 AM