I couldn't sleep. I had a scary dream that scares the crap out of me (that I murdered someone and "got away with it"). Whenever your emotions get felt in "real color" in a scary dream, it's scarier than a horror movie. This reminds me of another vivid dream I had within a week or so of firing a long-time employee at the magazine. I dreamed I had killed him (fortunately, the murder details were not part of the dream) and somehow not found out. I was at his funeral, hugging his parents, putting on a show like I was sad. I woke out of that dream almost shaking. That one's almost easy to interpret: I felt bad for firing him and this was the guilt I needed to feel (or something along those lines). I don't think I've hurt anyone's feelings lately, so I'll attribute that one to simple jetlag.
So, I'm here in some comfortable pajamas and a warm flannel undershirt, eating a big ole' chocolate brownie as I read Sophie's Boo Mama blawg. She is a super person I'm glad I got to meet. Did I tell you about 5 times already that the quality of the people on this blogger's tour is over-the-top great? I'd love to spend a week with any of them individually, so this trip is like a joyous potluck of fellowship. It strikes me with a little bit of irony that I'm here eating a brownie while they are there possibly eating nothing. Maybe he or she will have a coffee mug full of porage in the morning.
One thing that's cool and makes me think and re-evaluate how I view others is that there is no real thing ... there is probably NO SUCH THING as "righteous pity." Forgetting the fact that some of the children I met are under the age of 10 years old and might not be thinking about me nearly as much as I'm thinking about them, one of these children might be laying on that packed dirty floor, laying next to and slightly on top of their half dozen siblings, ignoring the grumblings in their stomach, and they might be praying for me. It's kind of a humbling sucker punch to realize that someone with less material goods than I might be content. It's one of those, "Quit being an idiot, Doug" kind of moments, because I tend to view others through my own lens. I'm just a Slobbering Subjective Machine, bubba!
The subtle arrogance involved in pitying someone else feels kinda sick to me. Compassion, empathy and wanting to help meet real needs, though, is probably a super healthy God-thing. I saw so much last week and still have so much to say. Uh-oh, that brownie's not settling in my stomach too happily.
What an amazing trip you had. Thanks for blessing us with the updates. I lived at an orphanage for 4 years in a third world country and your description of "righteous pity" kind of has left a pit in my stomach. Here I am, assimilated back into a mortgage and car payment... Slowly forgetting daily about that part of my life and my friends I still have there. The challenge is to some how keep it fresh and relevant daily. If you could bottle that up how to do that it would be great.
Posted by: jason_73 at February 19, 2008 09:29 AMWow Doug,
You have just taken the trip that I am planning to take at the end of the year and to the same country to. I sponser a brother and sister in Uganda through Compassion and have promised them I will visit this year. A promise to a child is important to keep and I am really looking forward to the trip.
I feel really blessed to be able to sponser them both and am aways blown away by the letters that they write me.
Thanx for your blog - it has given me some idea about what to expect when I go over. I will be going by myself so it will be a little more low key I guess.