Doug Van Pelt

Soul Cravings.9

McManus talks in this chapter about people running from God, angry at God, yet at the same time desperately searching for Him. I wonder if God ever chuckles at our efforts to run from Him. I wonder about a friend of mine. I don't know if he would consider himself an atheist or an agnostic or an angry unbeliever. He sounds like he believes there is no God at all, even though he grew up believing in God. I'm sure he's convinced himself to the point of his own level of intellectual satisfaction that there isn't a God. He probably gets pretty preturbed when he hears about believers abusing one another. Sometimes he writes poems about his "findings" and his conclusions. I wonder if God smiles at this, kinda shakes his head, like He's saying, "Oh Saul, oh Saul, if you only knew who you were going to be in just a couple months or years..." In a way, my friend's running, ranting and anger could all be part of a grand scheme that ultimately gives glory to God. The fire that burns within a person to insist that there is no God could very well serve as a huge piece of evidence that there is, indeed, a God.

McManus reveals how his first year of marriage was wonderful; but the engagement leading up to it was very rocky. Seems his Kim was always picking fights with him. He wondered if it was on purpose. He finally confronted her and found out that it sorta was. Her parents abandoned her at the age of eight and she grew up in a foster home. She was convinced, deep down inside, that Erwin would leave her, too. In a way, her insecurities almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy that drove him away. He loved her, of course, and wouldn't dream of abandoning her.

I can remember feeling kind of insecure about getting married. For some reason, part of me feared that something would go wrong and the relationship would fall apart before it could be fused together in marriage. I remember finally breathing a sigh of relief when we walked down the aisle after the end of the ceremony. I have no idea what fed into that insecurity, but it was a real struggle. I remember getting in kind of a fight over the phone the night before the wedding. It was almost like I was acting like a dufus on purpose -- to fulfill my biggest fears -- and I had no control over it. Before, during, and especially after the argument, I felt certain that it would anger Charlotta, that she would "come to her senses," and she would call the whole thing off.

I remember confiding in a friend (who was actually the last "other" girl I dated prior to making Charlotta my exclusive romantic love) about how I was having bad dreams about Charlotta leaving me for another guy. She told me straight up, "She's chosen you." I can't remember her other words now, but it drove the point home that my insecurities were not based upon my lover's actions; they were based upon some fear inside of me -- and they were wrong. It's not easy to "stuff" a feeling or tell it where to go, but we have to do that sometimes. Whether it's worry or fear or some other negative and very unhelpful emotion, it must be put into submission.

I reckon it to fasting, where our brain tells our stomach who's really in charge. The stomach thinks it's in charge and will put up a HUGE fight to prove it. When the brain wins that one, it's a good thing. It's also like disciplining our bodies in exercise, training, weight-lifting, running -- that sort of thing. Even though there's discomfort and pain, our will (our mind) takes charge and forces our body to submit.

We're very comfortable as people, McManus says, with conditional love, rather than unconditional love. When we can love unconditionally, we are definitely becoming more like God's character. He's not cynical. His favor doesn't change if we get fat or if we fail or even if we flip Him the "bird" or rant about Him not existing. A love like that is amazing. Sometimes our waywardness really needs love like that. Without it, we'd be in big trouble.

"It is insanity to run from God and search for love."

(another one of his bolded quotes.)

Posted by Doug Van Pelt at August 15, 2007 11:01 AM