Doug Van Pelt

As Close As You Wanna | Disobedience

I was part of a church in Austin for 13 years -- from its inception as "Heart Set Free" through the merger with "New Covenant," where "Mission Hills" changed its name (as did New Covenant) into "South Shore Church." Anyway, during the vibrant life of Mission Hills, we had several really rich and great worship songs. One of them comes to mind here as PDL talks about "You can be as close to God as you choose to be." We had several songs that were straight Scripture, and this one was from James 4. "Draw near to God, and God will draw near to you." What a sweet refrain! What a truth! One of my favorite verses of the Bible is in Psalm 34: "God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." These are promises that God will draw near to us. Most wonderful they are.

The chapter had a few eye-opening things to say early on about being honest with God. Many people treat God like the revered King He is -- to be feared; but they neglect the very balance that Scripture shows us -- that He longs to be our friend; and that He can handle our tirades, our anger directed right at Him! I admit that I fall into that camp out of default sometimes. I am not a big fan of emotional outbursts. Stoicism has a certain attraction to me, as it does to many of my brothers in the West. However, God doesn't lash out, punish, or even belittle such speech directed at Him. Honest confession will sometimes be unnattractive at first, but it is a valid price to pay to get the truth out. I like that about God.

Last night I believe I was disobedient to Him. I regret that now. I regreted it on the way home -- even when I felt Him telling me that it was okay. After watching a crazy movie called Dogville, I headed back to my car but stopped in at a coffee shop to get an espresso milkshake (that helped me stay awake another 4.5 hours and get some late night work done) and a sandwich. It was open mic time at this place and I had the idea flash in my head to share a poem about failure that I know. Ideas that jump out at me like that are often God's voice, especially when it involves evangelism. I was afraid. I was also turned off, almost like stupid Jonah (hey, I'm just being honest here -- I really respect Jonah), thinking that these people weren't worth it. You see, much of the stuff shared was smut. And laughter abounded. One guy was the prototypical "dirty old man," grisly unshaven face with years of abuse etched into his loose skin. His appearance didn't bother me at all, but his poems about girls wearing tight tshirts, body parts, and wind hopefully blowing up skirts, they somehow offended me in an ugly self-righteous way. There were even a few poems that cursed Jesus flat out, with the f-word followed by His Name.

Now it looks so simple: this is the context I should have spoken in. I don't really care about being laughed at, cursed at, or rejected by men. But I sure did at the time. I was actually hoping that I'd have a sign, like the host pointing at me and asking if I'd like to share. Can you believe it? I was in a state of readiness, waiting for opportunity, but not willing to grab it by the horns, so to speak, and make it happen. Half-hearted boldness is sometimes worse than cowardice, I think. I was also afraid I wouldn't make it through the poem without crying. I feared that, even though I shouldn't have. And most of all, even if no one got on their face and repented on the spot, broken and weeping (my secret longing), I perhaps could've brought joy to my Father in Heaven. Perhaps I'll have another chance.